I Think I'll Pass

My cousin Kelly wants me to go see a taping of "The Ellen DeGeneres Show", in Los Angeles. First of all, I suffer from terrible Aviophobia! Flying is not an option for me, unless you get me good and drunk 1st! Secondly, I've heard about some of the hardships one goes through at these tapings of her's. You have to stand for many many hours, on your feet. I'm genetically prone to painful & unsightly varicose veins and I am sure standing for long hours to go see Ellen will bring it on! Also I have heard about the security there. They wave an x-ray wand up and down your body (translate: see you naked) when you enter the gates. I dont know why Ellen allows this to go on.

Then you sit down in these hard wooden benches for another hour or so. I am genetically prone to painful and unsightly hemorroids, and I am sure that sitting on hard wooden benches to see Ellen will aggravate it!! That, along with varicose veins, is not something I feel is worth suffering through for Ellen. No matter how talented a talk show host she is.

At some point, between standing outside all day, and sitting on those wooden benches, you no doubt have to empty your bladder. The only relief is found across the street at a deserted park where lascivious men lay in wait near the women's bathroom (no thanks!) or standing in yet another line! The dangers of having uremic poisoning or a burst bladder, because of not being able to empty it in a timely fashion, is very real!

Eventually, you go into the studio and are escorted to your seat by a "page". Once in there, you begin the process of slowly freezing to death! That studio is kept so cold, one could store meat! They don't let the public in on this but I have heard from a source (Weekly World News) that several audience members had turned blue and had frozen nearly to death and were rushed to a nearby hospital!

This is probably why there is so much frantic dancing in the studio, led by a DJ named "Tony". Tony is the one who keeps the audience on their feet and dancing so that they don't become blocks of ice! But the music Mr. Tony plays is so loud, it can (and often has) burst the ear drum. Remember that lady named "Kitty"? Her ears were in horrible pain from Tony's incessantly loud disco music. I felt so sorry for that poor woman.

I hear that Ellen watches the audience make fools of themselves and picks out the worst dancers and airs them in all their glory on a future broadcast. OH the embarrassment and humilation! If I went to one of these Ellen tapings, I would NOT dance! I would just sit and let all the dancing fools around me make asses out of themselves. No "I danced with Ellen" teeshirt (bribery) is worth it. Besides, you're not dancing "with" Ellen. Ellen is just sitting in her cozy dressing room laughing at you!

Another danger, seldom if ever addressed, is the flimsy wooden platforms upon which the audience dances. All that humanity stomping their feet and jumping up and down.. I'm surprised it hasnt all toppled over yet!!

If you survive all that, and with a smile (because frowning & unhappy or listless audience members get seated in the back row where you can't see worth a dime), Ellen comes out and greets you with a smile and a wave. Well, that's all fine and dandy but I am risking hemmoroids, varicose veins, personal space-violation, uremic poisoning, burst bladder, dangerously low body temperature, and a busted eardrum for a smile and a wave from Ellen to her 200 audience members?? I should be treated special, as a reward for going all out like that. But no. To Ellen, we're but a sea of faces she won't remember 5 minutes later. If that!

Sometimes however, you get a bit more of Ellen. She might dance right down your aisle.. and step on your toes! Well, normally that might be a thrill.. but I have gout!

I think I'll pass.